Losing and Winning

It's time for another honest post. I enjoy healthy boundaries in work and school relationships, but I also hold a strong conviction that we all go through hard stuff worth sharing. Not all of my struggles are worth sharing online, but I think perhaps this one is. It's worth sharing not only because it's a struggle, but because I've got victory to share as well.

I've lost a lot of weight recently.

No, I'm not sick. No, I'm not struggling with body image. I haven't inadvertently stopped eating. Yes, I'm eating my vegetables. I'm exercising. I think some people have been afraid to ask, but I want you to know: my weight loss is a good thing.  

Just how much weight I've lost - well, let's say that I've lost my baby, toddler, and child weight. I like to joke and say I've almost lost an entire Kaitlin.  :-) I've lost four pant sizes, and my clothes don't fit anymore - in a good way.

Weight gain is a tough road, and most people don't want it to happen to them. But when you're busy, you love food, don't really exercise, and don't want to spend time thinking hard about calories, weight gain is inevitable. 

The Backstory

A year ago in September, Matt decided he was going to become more disciplined in his eating habits. He began mid-semester, and I had no bandwidth to do an overhaul on my entire approach to food while I was doing work and DMA studies. I knew I ought to join him, but I couldn't find a space in my life to devote myself to it. I started making healthier dinners that we could share together, but ate what I wanted the rest of the day. After he lost 30-35 pounds, I could see how counting calories paired with exercise would work. But I didn't want to do it. I like cookies, fried food, and high-calorie Starbucks drinks. Honestly I just didn't want to give up the food I like. The contrast between Matt's healthy choices and my unhealthy ones was somewhat uncomfortable for me, but Matt was always gracious and never made me feel like I should be doing this with him. I am so grateful to him for that.

We went to Spain in June and ate a LOT of food. Wouldn't you know...Mediterranean countries use a lot of olive oil in their diet. I've since learned that just 1T of olive oil has a whopping 120 calories. Yikes! I'm sure I gained a lot of weight on that trip. When we returned and my "big" clothes were getting tight, I knew I was facing a familiar problem: buy new clothes or lose some weight.

I was also getting tired really easily, choosing not to play 

with Kaitlin because I'd rather sit down, had muscle 

cramping problems (including a trip to the ER for this), 

and back pain. 

While we were in Spain I sometimes avoided walking a mile or two because it seemed like too much work. Honestly, at that time it was too much work. I was embarrassed about that, and felt shameful. The strain of weight on my body (and on my conscience) was really getting out of control. 

Weight gain: a "shame gremlin"

The guilt and shame associated with weight gain is real. I can't believe I'm telling you this now, because I wouldn't have uttered this to a soul six months ago. But it's true. Weight gain, for me at least, was a result of a personal flaw - a lack of prioritization, discipline, and prudent, healthy choices. It was a gremlin that I couldn't gain an advantage over. I'm sure there's a reader out there who's shouting "amen" right now. Overcoming this "shame gremlin" had nothing to do with medicine or a doctor. I had to be willing to address these very profound (and harmful) shortcomings in both my actions and my character. A principle we discuss in Christian circles, dying to my selfish desires, proved very necessary in overcoming this battle.

Something needed to change: the first steps

When we returned from Spain and some other food-filled travel, I weighed myself for the first time in years. Soon after that I decided to just keep track of how many calories I ate in a day. My plan was to observe, not to actually change anything (because I certainly wasn't going to give up my peppermint mochas or french fries!). But finally knowing how much I weighed and how much I was eating, I could see this was a path to a place I don't want to go. I thought about my future, how long I want to live, and how I want to live. And this - outgrowing clothes, drinking high-calorie Starbucks drinks, eating till I was full every day, and feeling awful about it all - wasn't getting me there. Despite the physical effects I was already experiencing, it took the numbers on the scale and of the calories I was eating to wake me up. 

The journey began on July 28

Every day I kept track of every single calorie I ate on my LoseIt app, maxing out at around 1,600 calories. Exercise would afford me opportunities to eat more normally.

My first walk was not even a mile, and it was hard.

As I began losing, the amount of calories I could eat became less and less. I got a food scale for my birthday and was able to more accurately keep track of calories (because when you're eating 1,400 calories a day each calorie counts!). I was hungry all of the time. ALL OF THE TIME.

Relearning and reclaiming healthy life patterns

The food intake part of this journey was, and continues to be an extreme challenge in terms of discipline because I loved eating tasty [read: bad] food so much. But I can honestly say that I feel like I really worked for this, and have earned each pound that I've lost. My view on what "tasty food" is has also changed somewhat. I'll blog about that another day.

Walking has become easier easier, too. After a few weeks, I started walking about 5-6 days per week, and that would add 100-400 calories to my daily intake depending on how long and far I walked. Matt was very supportive and allowed me to make walking a priority. I began walking in the miles of trails near my work ("the woods" as we call them in these parts), and was able to truly connect with nature and space in a way I haven't ever allowed myself to. Again, connection with nature is something I'll write about on another day.

I've dealt far less with depression and feelings of anxiety during this past semester, which I attribute mostly to the weight loss, healthier diet, and regular exercise. 

I've also been much more energized! "I just want to sit down for a little while" is a thought I no longer have. I also have enjoyed good health overall.

Weight loss has given me so much life back! My conscience is cleared of a significant roadblock that I had known for a long time, and I've gained such spiritual clarity throughout the process.

I'm now in "phase two." Instead of aiming to lose two pounds per week, I've scaled back and am now allowing myself to eat more reasonably - still controlled, but I have room for a soy latte here and there.

The support from Matt has been tremendous. Combined we have lost 100 lbs in the past 14 months. It's been so great to share this with him. 

While I have so many other thoughts to share on the subject, I thought it was time to break my silence. It feels so good to share a victory with you all. I have a long way to go still, but for the first time in 10 years, I am armed with what I need to reach that goal. 

Follow-up on "Hard Things"

Thanks to the many of you who have provided support and encouragement with regard to my recent post about how hard things have been lately.

I still can't believe I let you all see some of the crazy stuff going on in my life, but I did it on purpose. Not everyone should see some of our deepest struggles - truth. And I do have more, believe it or not, that I probably won't ever share here on this blog - truth. But I also think it's fruitless to select only the appealing, positive things to share on social media and personal blog spaces. We are people. We all hurt, struggle, we all have dirt, and we have stories - both good and bad.

As I said before, my struggles are not the only ones. And they're not the hardest ones. But they are real. It's becoming easier to admit that truth.

After writing that blog post, reading many of your responses and digesting the information that I had acknowledged, I felt a profound ability to move forward. Naming the difficult thing is sometimes exactly what we need in order to forge ahead, and that was what I needed.

In that entry I blamed a lot of things, but (as always) I am more culpable than I acknowledged. despite the things I can't change, there is plenty that I can. I wasn't ready to admit that then, but I am now.

I earned the nickname "Messy Jessie" as a child. And though I'm not as messy on the outside as I once was, I am still on the inside. One truth, one encouragement at a time I am overcoming stains, roadblocks, snow piles, and misguided paths that I've blindly begun to tread. I'm not necessarily proud of the journey I must take, but I am overjoyed by the grace I've been given to continue onward.

"Hard" is relative, but it's okay to admit when it feels hard

I've spent a great deal of energy suppressing the desire to talk about my crazy life with others, and then I've devoted equal time actively seeking understanding and help from friends on how to cope with everything, but not successfully doing the latter without feeling profoundly guilty. I can't help it - there's a huge war happening inside of me. To share or not to share? That is the question.

The past two+ weeks have been, to put it bluntly, awful. I feel guilty about admitting this to myself, and even more guilty for saying it "out loud" to the internet viewing universe. Have I ever mentioned that I do guilt very, very well?

So, to unpack a little bit.

I am teaching a new class, which is very time consuming and stressful. I have been in the groove of teaching the same classes for several years now, and moving to new material gives rise to potentially confusing lectures or having to tweak assignments that sounded good on paper, but don't work in real life. It's a humbling experience. I have to say, though, it's rewarding, too. And this has reminded me that I can do new things, especially things out of my comfort zone. I suppose I knew this already, but experience can be our best reminder.

Can I just vent a little bit about the Boston weather? Okay, I'll probably end up venting a lot. Our weather has been just awful. Everyone knows by now that we had four crippling storms in less than a month. It was as bad as it sounded. Snow piled 5-7 feet high on everyone's streets (higher by the mouth of people's driveways), our public transit basically shut down, no parking spaces. College students stranded, workers with no way to get to work and then no way to make money. It became common to drive down a main drag and see everyone's side mirrors taken out. Traffic, made worse by commuters who couldn't rely on public transit, has been horrendous.

That brings me to the snow days. The snow days. Those glorious days, where children make snowmen and consume hot chocolate and chicken noodle soup, where movies are watched and naps are taken. Sounds wonderful, right? Yeah, it is. For the first few days. And when those snow days don't involve blizzard conditions or three feet of snow already on the ground. We had, I don't know, six snow days in three weeks? It was A LOT. You take weekly rhythm and life structure for granted until things like this happen. The lack of schedule, constantly having to update course syllabi, and field 15+ class-related emails relating to each class cancellation, was utterly overwhelming. Then, when trying to drive from point A to point B took three times longer than usual, with three near-accidents on every drive, that was stressful too. I'm still recovering.

If you know me or have read any of my recent blog posts, you know that I'm also working on a doctorate. I commute to Boston twice weekly and exchange my teacher slacks for student jeans (not that my peers wear jeans anymore, but that's another blog post. I'm so old.). It's not that hard for me to cross over to a student mindset, because as a college teacher there is already so much research, organization, writing, and well, learning built in to daily life. Being a student, as in - being required to learn and show proof of it - is pretty much what I've been doing already.

The difficulties as a student, for me, are peripheral. I have very little time on campus. As a result, I have little time to rehearse with people (a total requisite for a person like me earning a performance degree), much less get to know them informally. It's not uncommon for me to learn only two or three names in a class full of people. I tell peers I teach at a college and that almost always stops the conversation. I become something intimidating, which feels ridiculous to me. I am just me, and I am so very far from having arrived at anything. I don't have much time to meet with professors outside of class and have to proactively foresee questions about upcoming assignments and remember to ask them far in advance. This is because some questions get answered better face-to-face. If I have library work to do (and my research and bibliography class has plenty), I have to plan out my library dates sometimes two weeks in advance. Also, my class selection (the classes I choose to take) is limited to which days/times I can get away from my job. It's complicated and - dare I say it without feeling guilty - hard. Occasionally awful. Sometimes incredibly rewarding.

Perhaps this post is reading more like a novella-journal. I'm sorry, but thanks to anyone who is sticking with me.

Concerning the snow days and assignments: My grad school professors must have an idea in their head of what assignments are due, and on what date, but in light of the school cancellations they really have dropped the ball on successfully communicating it to their students. Teachers not communicating deadlines and students not understanding them is a complete pet peeve of mine. Just tell me what to do, and I will do it. Same goes for the way I handle the classes I teach. I can't expect students to do assignments and do them well if I am not clear in what I expect. Twice now I've shown up to one of my grad classes to find there was an assignment due. I'm not an absent-minded student - I take notes actively and ask an annoying amount of questions. So yeah, pet peeve.

My musculoskeletal stress manifestations continue. The current woe is jaw and facial tension and headaches. Someone told me "It's because you're holding all of your stress inside." Is there another way to cope with stress? How do I put stress on the outside? Road rage? Because with this weather, I'll just end up in a ditch somewhere or clipping someone's side mirror.

I'm sure by now you're all thinking, "Jess is such a Debbie Downer." And, in a way, I really am. It's sometimes hard for me to see the good in things, to be positive when circumstances are hard. It's just the way I am wired. The catch-22 with me is this: I don't always have a very positive outlook on life, but I rely on others to help dig me out of my "the world is gray" mindset. I am actually quite teachable - my friends have excellent insight and encouragement, and they help me more than I can say. But it's like I need the external insight, the relational dialogue to help get me there. I process through life best with others. I don't want to bring others down by sharing my "gray" thoughts, so often I don't share them at all. I bottle them inside and hope that time will make them waft away, kind of like a lingering fragrance that eventually disappears.

In the wake of these really difficult past few weeks, I've felt utterly saturated with everything "gray." These snow days, the assignments for both work and school, driving, headaches, and isolation have just been overwhelming to me. Can I add Kaitlin's current case of strep throat to the list?

Boston is still digging out of the snow. They've needed the help of other states' equipment, the national guard. It costs a lot to get the city up and running again. But sometimes removing the snow, the blockages, the unpleasant thing, helps us get back to normal again.

In order to dig myself out of this pit, whether I feel guilty for saying it or not, I need the help of others too.

A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person's strength. Proverbs 17:22

I am so encouraged by friends who see the good around them, even when life is hard. And I am even more grateful for those who can see beyond my complaints, much like these ones today, and push me to connect with the person I was designed to be. If I'm being honest, I need people like that in my life. My husband is my absolute #1 in this regard. I really don't know how I got so lucky.

I think my difficulties are real.

There's always someone with circumstances more trying than mine, but there are also those with circumstances not as trying. "Hard" is relative, as I blogged about a few years ago. I often feel guilty about admitting to the world that my life is "hard," because in the past I had built up a superiority complex about it. Now, on the opposite end of the pendulum, I want to avoid sounding superior at all costs. (Ironically it's still hard to be rid of fully...oh, humanity) Really, I am the one who chose to do this crazy work/school thing, therefore I am the one who should have to bear the burden. But life can't work that way. We all choose a certain amount of our own path, whether that be a stay at home mom, an emergency room doctor, a secretary, the caretaker for an elderly parent. All of these paths can be so very hard. At one point or another, we've had a way out. Just because we've had the choice to get out of our hard situation doesn't mean we're not entitled to relationship, to sharing while in the midst of that difficult time. Yes, we all need encouragement - especially when we encounter difficult times!

Encourage each other every day while you have the opportunity. If you do this, none of you will be deceived by sin and become stubborn. Hebrews 3:13

I'm writing all of this, out to the void of unknown readers, to admit to myself that life has actually been hard lately. I've been stuck, stubborn. I've been challenged to the max, spread thin. And I admit that I need relationships, one, and God, mostly. And I also admit the profound truth that this, the above three sentences, is everyone's story at one point or another. We are joined together by a profound web of interconnectedness, and we all need to be willing to give and receive, to listen to and learn from each other.

So answer those texts. Carve out time for that lunch date. And read your friend's blog post, even when they're complaining about anything and everything. They probably need you more than you realize.